I am a fixer. This became clear early in our marriage. When conflict arises, I like to solve immediately. I want to talk it out, hash it over, fix it. Right. this. minute. Jude, on the other hand, is a processor. He wants to think about it first and talk later, even if it's hours later. It has always driven me a quarter-mile from Crazy, even though I know his method is much safer than mine.
Twice in the last week, one of our sons has had an incredibly powerful, emotional rage. It has involved some physical violence and immense amounts of painful verbalizing of heavy emotions. Very, very hurtful statements have been aimed at me. The arrows have hurt. (Our family has gone through a tremendous change in the last two weeks as BD has been home from school. It's not a great surprise that we have had an abundance of Big Feelings as a result.)
However (there's that blasted word again), both of these emotional rages have pushed me past my limit. Both times I have become an emotional puddle, a sobbing, heaving mess in the middle of the living room.
This Thursday I was driving to therapy which provides more than two hours alone in the car. (I had forgotten how much I love to sing along to 80s music.) I was thinking about the recent rages and my own emotional reaction. I was remembering that both times I had pushed my boy for answers in the midst of his emotional upheaval. And then I had the realization that I was looking for a quick fix in the midst of the battle. I was engaging too soon.
As the child was raging, I was pushing with questions and theories. "I think you're pretty angry right now because __________________." My pushing led to more rage and more hurtful statements and more emotion from me. I was inadvertently agitating rather than helping my child become regulated.
My life as a blogger really hasn't included much advice. Mostly I share stories and look for answers and appreciate community. But today I have some advice that I have learned the hard way.
Do not engage. I repeat: do not engage. (Or if you have to, "Disengage," as Elastigirl says in The Incredibles.)
Sometimes it will be impossible. Sometimes you will be an emotional puddle sobbing as your traumatized child watches on. Sometimes you will find yourself pushed too far on the wrong side of Crazy, and you'll be making the situation worse rather than better. Forgive yourself for those moments. They will happen.
But mostly try to be present and be whole. And don't make my mistakes. Don't look for the solution with your child in the heat of the moment.
Wait for regulation when the upper brain is engaged again. Wait for the calm that comes after the storm to explore emotions and motivations and fixes.
My therapist and I discussed this on Thursday, and she gave me permission to walk away when the battle gets too difficult. I can say, "Mom needs to take a breather, but I WILL BE BACK. I will always be back." And then I can catch my breath without falling into a million pieces in front of my children.
Then later when peace has again come (and it always does come again....thank You, Jesus...) we can explore the emotions. "I can tell you were really hurting earlier. Why don't you sit with me for a few minutes, and we can talk about why you were hurting. You might not know all of the answers, but at least you can sit with me for a bit."
I'm still going to royally mess up. Our house lately seems to be the permanent residence of Big Feelings. But we're working as a team and aiming for more regulation. And that feels like a good place to be today.
I heard Anne Lamott, one of my favorite authors, speak about the books she had written. She said that she wrote Operating Instructions about her son’s first year b/c she had learned that sometimes one of the best things she could do was just walk out of the room. None of the books had suggested that as an option so she wrote a book. Regardless of the child’s age, I think there is a lot of wisdom to it, no matter how it is stated (e.g. leave the room, do not engage, etc.). The other thing I’ve learned is that the hard part of parenting isn’t the actual childcare. That can have its moments (oh, it can definitely have its moments!) but what’s harder is the questioning, evaluating, and changing that happens within me.
ReplyDeleteAs a strategy professor, I have to say I like your strategy! Good luck with the big feelings.
I am so guilty of engaging before I should engage, and even worse, of remaining engaged when I should disengage. Thank you for this. It is so timely for me.
ReplyDeletePowerful insight. Yes, amen. Amusuganallo.
ReplyDeleteI learned this lesson the hard way too. I used to call these episodes "Big Angries," and they were so painful for me, I tried to stop and fix them immediately. It took me a long time to understand that was what was best for ME ... not what was best for HIM. He needed to express his angries, not stop them. I finally, finally learned that whatever it was I was trying to teach/help/communicate was never, ever going to be received by a child in the middle of such emotion. All I was doing was ADDING to the emotion. Whew. You've brought back some memories. Thank you. Sometimes the most difficult memories show you how far you've come.
ReplyDelete"But we're working as a team...." YES. That is good, good, and so damn important.
ReplyDeleteOur therapist recently told us that I am my son's greatest threat. I don't know if this holds true in your case, but the idea of loving and attaching to a mother can be incredibly scary and difficult when you have had one leave already (for whatever the reason). I think the idea of completely letting down your guard and then letting your mama's love sink into you time and time again without a fight back can seem impossible. Especially when you can't be sure if she will leave too (no matter how much we tell them that we won't).
You're beautiful.
Ugh, I have made this mistake many times over. "oh, you have big feelings right now. I think it may be b.c ....." They can't hear us when they are in that state. I KNOW this, but yet, I still try to hurry up and fix and get to the bottom of it. This was a great reminder! You aren't alone in this!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Sometimes what they need to see, the only thing they CAN see, is "Mom is staying calm throughout this. Mom is in control no matter what." It's not about fixing, or finding out why in that moment. It's about showing that no matter what, YOU GOT THIS. You are in charge, and they are safe in your charge. Great reminder. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteSpot on. Do not engage. My own mother taught me that because I was the one with the big ugly feelings and an emotional whirling dirvish and she would always remain calm and balanced..which would then bring me back into normalville. I am so grateful that she was able to do that for me (even when she had to pour herself a highball one day). And BD will too. I promise.
ReplyDeleteDon't engage the crazy. It only multiplies the crazy. (crazy pain!!). You are not alone girlio. I watched that Post institute video the other day.And I wonder if--- those first words alone, aren't sometimes exactly what needs to be heard. I know sometimes I need to say them, just to remind MYSELF.
ReplyDeleteGood for you!
ReplyDeleteI think it's wonderful that you've come to this realization, and you're working hard on implementing this new way of dealing with this type of conflict/rage/heavy emotions. I imagine it is much easier said than done (coming from another who wants to instantly solve things). Keep up the good work, mama!
ReplyDeleteI like what you guys are usually up too. Such clever work
ReplyDeleteand coverage! Keep up the great works guys I've included you guys to my own blogroll.
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